Couples sometime feel that they married the wrong person because they are comparing their spouse to some else. This is one area newlyweds and young couples have to be conscious of as it places undue pressure on both you and your spouse. Particularly if you are comparing a development area of your spouse to an area of strength for someone else spouse. For example, Lanre is an extremely articulate and charismatic individual who is strategic in his approach to life and career. He is out going, always looks sharp and has a high level of energy. Chris on the other hand is the total opposite, less articulate and charismatic than Lanre however he tries to provide and care for his family the best way he can while providing leadership to his family to the best of his ability. Based on this comparison, Chris always comes up short when his wife Morenike compares him to Lanre. She works with Lanre where his strengths are more pronounced and lives with the good, bad and ugly side of Chris her husband. The irony is that Monica (Lanre’s wife) thinks her husband doesn’t provide any leadership for the family and only focuses on work. While he provides financially for his family, he is emotionally unavailable she thinks to herself. As a result Monica bears the burden of providing emotional stability and leadership to their three year old son Charles. She believes he is emotionally selfish. It has been often said that the grass always appears greener on the other side.
Here is the picture of each individuals view point.
Lanre thinks his wife Monica doesn’t appreciate him. He feels he gets more appreciation from his coworker, Morenike. Morenike laughs at my jokes, notices my clean shave and seems nice. Her husband is a lucky man, he further expresses to himself.
Morenike feels her husband Chris cannot articulate himself like her coworker Lanre. I didn’t know Lanre was that interesting and full of energy. He definitely brought life to the Christmas party. His wife must be lucky.
Monica (Lanre’s Wife) on the other hand feels, Lanre is so selfish. He doesn’t provide any leadership to this family. He doesn’t help us around the house. Why must he be so selfish? Mark our neighbor was at the park yesterday teaching Jerry (his 4 year old) how to ride a bicycle. This is the second time this month I have seen Mark and Jerry hanging out at the park. Melody must be a lucky woman, Monica expresses to herself.
Chris on the other hand still can’t get over Elizabeth’s homemade dish from the company picnic. Her homemade recipe is great, her husband must be lucky. Morenike can’t cook to save our family’s life. The maid does all the cooking.
You see, conflicts are barrier blocks that you can either allow to pull you further apart or use them as stepping stones to draw you closer. When it comes to marriage you should leverage each other’s strengths and see weaknesses as developmental areas. Comparing your spouse with someone else’s spouse with the purpose of hoping that your spouse will someday be like the other person’s spouse is unwise and will cripple your home. We are all created and wired differently and while we may look sharp, smell good, be educated, articulate and strategic; reality is that no one is perfect. Learn to appreciate your spouse and seek to add value to your spouse. If you feel like you married the wrong person, treat them like you would treat the right person and they shall become the right person. Often times the way we treat our spouse is a reflection of our perception of our spouse. Perception as it is often said is reality. Change your view of them as the wrong person by starting to view them as the right person. This is why scripture puts it this way
For we dare not class ourselves or compare ourselves with those who commend themselves. But they, measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise. – 2 Corinthians 10:12
The reality is that marriage is not for the light heart neither is it for the immature. I am not merely suggesting that only immature couples feel that they married the wrong person or that couples who argue and have issues in their marriage do so because they are immature. I am stating that your level of maturity as both individuals and as a couple on the realities of marriage will help you navigate any feeling that you married the wrong person.
I do understand that there are extreme situations where people get married based on lies and deception. My advice is to get professional help and seek counsel on the best course of action and act accordingly. My focus however is on individuals who feel that because there are issues they have to work through in their marriage, they married the wrong person. Don’t be too quick to throw in the towel and come to the conclusion that your marital issues exist simply because you married the wrong person.
If you feel the grass is greener on the other side, my recommendation is that you water your own grass or fertilize your grass.
I will leave you with this quote “Many marriages would be better if the husband and wife clearly understood that they’re on the same side” Zig Ziglar
Always remember that Marriage is a Journey not a destination. It should get better over time if the governing principles are consistently applied.
Love Always
Toyosi Erogbogbo
www.yourmarriagejourney.com
