The question whether one should or shouldn’t have a list of things they desire in a spouse often arises and the answer varies based on the individual being asked. You have those who feel you should have a list of things you desire in your potential spouse, write them down and follow through with it. In some cases, some believe that marrying someone who does not match this list, is settling for less. You have those who feel you should be open and set your expectations accordingly as your desire often changes. There are does who have listed their core desire while everything else is up for discussion as expressed by a gentle man in one of our singles meeting. He expressed that he had a list and his list had two categories, “must have” which he was not going to compromise on and “nice to have” which he could compromise on as they are not deal breakers. Yet you have others who just don’t see the point of having a list. They feel that having a list is a waste of time, particularly because their desires changes as expressed to me by a young lady.
Most people don’t just want to marry everyone they meet because either consciously or subconsciously there is a desire in us that fuels a particular choice of mate. The reality is that most people in their single phase at some point in time have a list of things they desire in a spouse, usually in their subconscious. Some people are conscious of it while some are not, however this desire often fuels ones choice in a mate. There are characteristics that trigger this desired list in the human body and it is important to note that this trigger varies across the board. It could be the tall, dark and handsome for some; while it could be intellectual horse power and mental capacity for others. For some it can also be the depth of their pocket financially as evident by a clinical research where a particular guy was giving a rating of 4 based on looks. However that rating quickly changed to a 9 once his income level was established as $400,000 annually. After all, the bible acknowledges that money is a defense Ecclesiastes 7:12 and it answereth all things Ecclesiastes 10:19.
Consequently there are other singles whose list stems from past hurts and tries to fix past relational pain. Subconsciously they enter into relationships trying to fix their past. You can’t move forward by looking back. Leave the past where it belongs. You should ensure that you are emotionally stable from past hurts before you get into a relationships.
Having said all the above, a question that arises is how do you know if this particular person is right for you based on your list. In other words, how do I know what to desire in a spouse? Does it happen by chance; is there a generic list I can just select a few qualities from? How do I know that what I desire is right for me, in other words is there right and wrong desire? Making the choice of a spouse is a decision that has to do with the future. Since I don’t know the future or what it holds and I want to make a decision today that affects the future; how do I hedge myself against this decision that has to do with the future? So that regardless of what happens in the future, I am protected. The answer lies in asking the one who sees the future for help on how to make decision about the future today. Your list is a desire and shoots from feeling that could change. The question is what happens if the feeling change. Do I desire someone new or come up with some new list. If you are single that is a pretty simple question however if you are married, not so much. It is important for you to know the origin of your desire which is why scripture says
If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, you will ask what you desire, and it shall be done for you. By this My Father is glorified John15:7-8
“When it comes to having a list as a single, it is important for you to understand the origin of the desire”
If the desire is based on things and qualities that may, then that marriage or relationship is already limited before it starts. However if the desire is based on things that worth change, then your marriage is off to a great start. A great why to ensure that your desire is based on things that won’t change is to find yourself first in God. Read more on finding yourself https://yourmarriagejourney.org/single/. Below are some of the differences of the implication of the origin of desire.
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Self |
Involving God |
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Is limited to the volatility of feelings |
Constantly evolving |
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Based on now, tries to meet your current desires. Focuses on a limited aspect of your life and as such, satisfaction is not complete even when desire is fulfilled. |
Based on who you are as a human being and desire factors in the future. Desire stems from your core and satisfaction is complete when desire is fulfilled. |
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Over time you come to realize its limitations as you evolve |
Over time you come to appreciate its adaptability as you evolve. |
Finally, understand that when it comes to choosing a spouse God is obligated to present your spouse. As a loving and caring Father, He is committed to meeting and exceeding the needs, desires and wants of His children. Nevertheless it is up to you to make your choice as He will neither force you nor choose a spouse for you. His obligation is to His children and not strangers which is why it is important for you to be a child of God.
Houses and riches are an inheritance from the Lord, but a prudent wife is from the Lord Proverbs 14:19.
I talk more about God’s role in the finding process in my book “Marital Relationship”.
As always, marriage is a journey and not a destination. The bible is the blue print while the Holy Spirit is the GPS you need.
Love Always
Toyosi
